Limitations of Giving and the Disease to Please

I’ve sat a lot with this recently. I used to be huge on the giving spectrum until I started noticing the patterns where it wasn’t reciprocated. Do you know what I did? I started withholding. In the time being, I had to learn how to rebrand people pleasing tendencies. Was I giving because I wanted their approval or was I giving because my cup was full and I felt happy to?

Hearing this may sound harsh, but there was a time I reduced my efforts and didn’t want to replenish them because I was exhausted of feeling used. I’m sure many of us have been there, and now I can attest to the balance in my own way. The journey is different for everyone.

The Challenge of Setting Boundaries

As aforementioned, the people pleasing was prominent. One day someone told me, “Make sure not to give more than you receive.” It made me question, “how can I do that?” Because I WAS BLINDED BY THE DISEASE TO PLEASE. I didn’t realize it at the time until the great year of 2023.

I was angry that I would give so much and receive nothing in return; it ate me away to the bones and I became bitter and exploded. I was unrecognizable! The turning point was when I heard a sermon from Holly Furtick and she said “You can be kind and still say no.” I became consumed with the pursuit of what that would look like for me. Forgiving and forgetting, letting go, and discovering my own limitations.

The power of giving changes when the heart learns to give more freely.

I turned away from withholding, being bitter, and waiting to receive, into giving within balance without resentment. I have understood since then that when I suffered from the disease to please, I wasn’t being authentic to who I was. It kept me in pleasant village without the ability to solve conflict. It’s almost like I put on a mask. If you think about it, real relationships require vulnerability and people pleasing can build fake relationships since you aren’t practicing who you are; you are practicing satisfying a perceived opinion you think the act of giving can influence. Then you will hit the wall of “but I did all these things for them how could they do this to me?!” And all of a sudden, it’s a one off in the blame game where no one wins until you break.

It wasn’t until I saw where even Jesus set boundaries to understand that I can too! The tough part was navigating how. I had to break cycles, I had to practice saying no, which made me sick to the stomach because I was scared the other person would no longer like or favor me. I had to forgive some of the most challenging moments and forgive difficult people. I had to let go! And I did.

Embracing Authenticity and Rewriting People-Pleasing

I started understanding that if I am being authentic, nice, respectful and kind, then it is truer to who I am. If other people decide to run over that, I had to let go of what I perceived they thought of me because I felt I was being genuine. Now this does NOT excuse acting mean or rude because these traits are authentic to who you are; there is room to admit fault, to hear out constructive criticism, to try and act kindly and respectful, and to make efforts in breaking down miscommunication to reach an understanding. Let’s say someone doesn’t reach an understanding with you and violates something you asked them not to do more than once, that’s when you draw the boundary. I like to say, “I am responsible with the access I give them.” This means that if I learn that someone doesn’t respect my boundaries or how I ask them to treat me, it is solely up to me to determine how much information from my life I share with them. It’s easier to change yourself than to change another person. We are all going through something and it’s okay to acknowledge that when moving forward with balance, but remember, how others choose to act is not your responsibility. You are responsible for you.

When I let go of what I thought people were thinking, stopped ruminating over how can I make them feel better, when I released the phrase, “I give. You give,” I was able to give more happily from a fuller cup. Plot twist, I am even still learning and practicing!

So does giving have limitations? I challenge you to figure out where you may be giving too much or too little. And what can you do to rewrite people pleasing?

If you’re interested in doing a little scripture dive to learn more, here are some passages to consider reading:

Titus 3:10-11

Matthew 10:14

2 Thessalonians 3:6

Colossians 3:12-14